October 8, 2018
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
“I had a nightmare today and woke up with a start. I woke up afraid and looked around in the dark…” I have sung these lines, by the great Ney Matogrosso, countless times, but never imagined that I would understand or feel his words as strongly I do in this moment.
Today, I woke up frustrated, fearful, and angry too—despite trying my hardest not to give in to this last emotion. Hatred and rage are already very present in my surroundings.
I got out of bed and everything seemed so unreal, but, unfortunately, everything that I had read and heard on the previous day had in fact happened: nearly half of the citizens of my country had chosen the path of intolerance and ignorance.
When a day like today—ashen, overcast and rainy—begins, you sense that what’s coming won’t be good. There is something in the air that I can’t quite put a name to, but it conveys an uncertainty that can be read in the coldness of those around me. Everything about the day began atypically: I woke up from a terrible night’s sleep, and when I tried to eat breakfast, I found I didn’t have an appetite (which is unheard of). My cousin Dandara had stayed over, and we were able to share a few of our feelings. We talked about certain contradictions that we are still trying to make sense of—fellow students at her university who had chosen to vote for a racist and a misogynist—colleagues in her social work classes, colleagues who are women, who are Black, like us. I wonder what they lost along the way, some knowledge left behind, along with their discernment.
I left the house. Today is my fifth day of work at a new job. After spending six months doing a bit of everything and a bit of nothing, I had been feeling so good to be starting something new. I am very lucky, amidst a turbulent backdrop of unemployment in Brazil; an opportunity had knocked at my door, an opportunity that allows me to do the work I studied for, and it came up right at the exact moment that I had promised myself I would find another job. Coisas do universo.
At the office, I forced my mind to remain focused on work. Working in an office with employees speaking in French, English, and German all day, it’s easy to forget the world outside, though in moments of distraction, inevitably, I would remember him — the man who could destabilize my optimism, my hope, my visions of the future. Between one task and another I thought to myself about the political choices I would have to make. The day went on.
Lunchtime brought a certain comfort to the day; nothing like a good meal to make me feel good again.
Returning to my office my boss gave me new tasks and caught me up on what he’d done. I learned new things, resolved others…
The day’s distractions meant I ended up leaving work later than normal. Crossing the street, I heard my name. It was my sister Noêmia calling out for me, what a coincidence—she and I don’t see much of each other, though we have a very good relationship. She described everything she’d felt yesterday and all day today, she told me how much she cried and how desperate she felt at the enormity of what we’re living through. We had been together briefly yesterday—she’s an actress and I had gone to see her perform—but when we had said goodbye we didn’t yet know the election results. On the street, we walked on in search of dinner—why lie, I had a hamburger—and had the chance to console each other and distract each other, all due to the lovely coincidence of running into each other on the street, coisas do universo. Nothing like a little love in the midst of chaos.
“Eu hoje tive um pesadelo e levantei atento, a tempo. Eu acordei com medo e procurei no escuro…” Hoje eu me identifiquei profundamente com esse trecho da música do grande Ney Matogrosso. Eu cantei essa música incontáveis vezes ao longo dos anos, mas nunca imaginei que entenderia ou sentiria essas palavras como eu sinto nesse momento.
Hoje eu acordei frustrada, com medo, com raiva também – apesar de ter escolhido não acolher esse último sentimento. A raiva e o ódio já estão muito presentes na minha atmosfera.
Eu me levantei e tudo parecia tão surreal, mas, infelizmente, tudo o que eu havia lido e ouvido no dia anterior havia acontecido. Mais de 40% da população do meu país optou pelo caminho da intolerância e da ignorância.
Quando um dia como o de hoje amanhece cinzento, nublado e chuvoso você sente que o que virá a seguir não será bom. Tem alguma coisa no ar que eu não consigo pôr um nome, mas transmite uma incerteza e se traduz com a frieza das pessoas ao meu redor.
Tudo sobre o dia de hoje foi atípico, eu acordei de uma noite mal dormida e tomei meu café – eu não estava com fome, o que é inédito. A minha prima Dandara estava na minha casa e pudemos compartilhar um pouco o que sentíamos. Conversamos sobre certas contradições que ainda estamos tentando entender, colegas de turma da faculdade dela escolheram votar em um candidato racista e misógino – colegas do curso de serviço social que são mulheres e negras. Eu me pergunto o que elas perderam pelo caminho, algum conhecimento ficou para trás junto com o discernimento.
Dei continuidade ao meu dia e fui embora de casa. Hoje foi o meu quinto dia de trabalho no meu emprego novo. Depois de passar seis meses fazendo um pouco de tudo e um pouco de nada, eu me sinto muito bem por estar começando algo novo. Eu sou muito privilegiada, em meio ao cenário conturbado de desemprego do meu país, eu consegui uma oportunidade que bateu à minha porta, uma oportunidade que me permite fazer o que eu estudei para fazer e surgiu no momento exato que eu estipulei que voltaria a trabalhar. Coisas do universo.
Dentro do escritório eu me esforcei para manter a cabeça focada no trabalho. Trabalhando em um escritório com funcionários falando francês, inglês e alemão o dia inteiro, é fácil se distrair um pouco, e sempre que eu recuperava o meu raciocínio, inevitavelmente, eu lembrava dele – do homem que pode desestabilizar o meu otimismo, esperança e minhas visões do futuro. Entre um trabalho e outro eu pensava comigo mesma sobre as escolhas políticas que terei que fazer. E assim eu fui levando o dia.
A hora do almoço trouxe um certo conforto ao dia, nada como um bom prato de comida para me fazer sentir bem novamente.
De volta ao escritório meu chefe me passou tarefas novas e me atualizou sobre o que ele havia feito. Aprendi mais coisas, resolvi outras..
Por eu ter me distraído tanto ao longo do dia acabei saindo do trabalho mais tarde. Ao atravessar a rua ouvi meu nome, era a minha irmã Noêmia me chamando, mera coincidência – não temos muito contato mas nós temos uma relação muito boa. Ela dividiu comigo tudo o que havia sentido ontem e ao longo do dia, ela me contou o quanto chorou e ficou desesperada com toda a situação que estamos vivenciando. Nós estávamos juntas ontem – ela é atriz e eu fui assistir sua peça -, mas quando nos despedimos ainda não sabíamos qual havia sido o resultado das eleições. Nós fomos jantar – na verdade comemos um hambúrguer – e tivemos a chance de nos consolarmos e nos distrairmos com outros assuntos, devido a linda coincidência de nos embarrarmos na rua, coisas do universo. Nada como um pouco de amor em meio ao caos.
Translated from Portuguese by Lucas Iberico Lozada
D. Estevam, Brazilian Elections
Each comment or response costs a tiny ETH fee of 3.0E-5 (about 5¢ in Ethereum cryptocurrency), payable from your Metamask.io wallet (the wallet is free, and takes just a moment to add to your browser). This system helps protect Popula conversations from trolls, fakers, Cambridges Analytica and other malign influences.
If you haven’t got any ETH yet and you’re a Popula subscriber, please write to hey@popula.com with your subscriber email address and MetaMask wallet address, and we’ll send you a little bit to get started! It’s pretty easy and a lot of fun to use, Yay.
If you’d like to learn more about cryptocurrency, Ethereum, and how Popula is using these new technologies to help protect speech rights and the free press, please visit our FAQ page.
We’re having trouble checking your subscriber status. Try refreshing the page.
Welcome! To leave a comment, you’ll need to log in, and also have your MetaMask wallet ready with some ETH cryptocurrency available.
It’s easy! Just visit metamask.io to install an in-browser MetaMask wallet. If you’re a new subscriber, write to hey@popula.com for $2 in free ETH crypto!
Thank you for being a Popula subscriber! As a subscriber, you may leave comments, but you have to be logged in as commenter here first. This is an additional login—the login for your commenting privileges—and you’ll stay logged in after you log in the first time.
We’ve sent an email to your registered address at … with your commenting details. Please follow the directions in the email to open your commenting privileges and then come back here to leave your first comment!
Thanks for registering! Please log in and you can get started commenting.
You need to connect to the Main Ethereum Network before you can leave a comment. Click on your MetaMask icon so the window pops up, then select ‘Main Ethereum Network’ from the network-chooser dropdown at the top.
You’re logged in and ready to leave comments! All you need is a MetaMask wallet and a little ETH cryptocurrency, just like with our microtipping system.
If you know what MetaMask is and have it installed, activate MetaMask and refresh:
Each comment costs 5¢ in Ethereum cryptocurrency to post! Just write your comment and click the green button. Thank you, Popula subscriber, for joining us in the new world of cryptoeconomics! Please don’t forget to set your wallet address in order to receive tips on your comments.
Alas! commenting is not yet available on your mobile device. Each comment costs a little ETH cryptocurrency to post, and for now that requires a regular computer.
So please go to your laptop, install the MetaMask browser plugin, and hold forth!