December 4, 2018
I might be in love or should I say I must be in love? Today I wasn’t able to get anything done. I woke up and then ate ice cream. Yesterday I had baked an apple pie and there was one bite of vanilla ice cream left over, so I had that one bite.
I watched Godard’s Le Livre D’image online in the morning. Yesterday was his 88th birthday so Mubi had released it online which is very cool for me because in japan it hadn’t been released yet and it won’t be for awhile. Online, it said he got a special Palme D’Or for this film. Why couldn’t they just give him a real straight up Palme D’Or? A special Palme D’Or??? I don’t understand. They shouldn’t include Godard in the competition anymore if they treat him like a god or a living legend.
After watching the film I started to edit my own film but somehow I couldn’t. Something’s wrong with me. One reason could be that I’m in love. Another reason is today was really warm and my friend texted me saying, it’s spring today. In my room it felt like summer and that really bugged me. It led me to read my horoscope and shit.
I had a toast with honey and raw turnip with salted rice malt for lunch. For dinner I wanted to make a Caesar salad but there is no mustard in fridge so I went to buy it from a grocery store. I also bought rice vinegar. Outside was very warm, the wind was warm like spring and leaves were flying. My feelings floated and then I started to walk to a park. It was around 4 p.m. and the soft golden light on trees caught my eyes. Everything was so beautiful. I was walking and talking to myself. It is not a good idea to fall in love.
I was thinking about an unreturned text from Pow (why don’t I call the person that?). It has been only about a year since my last heartbreak. Will I really enter the most exhausting ritual of life again this soon and waste a few years for this? I’m not sure I can do that but it’s automatic. Automatically I blamed God because Pow is the worst person that I could fall for, but I tend to love someone like that always. While I was walking I was thinking about that.
When I arrived at the center of the park there was a fountain and people were hanging out around there and of course Pow was not there, so I got bored after a couple minutes. Then I went back home with my vinegar and mustard. Oh yes, I left my cell phone at home, and that made me feel such freedom during the walk, so when I got home of course I checked my cell phone right away to see if I got any messages. There were 0…
In the park I swore to myself I would get back to work. It was already 5 p.m. I heard the 5 p.m. bell ringing. The sky outside was dark. I should get going, I thought and I started to write. I used to write a lot to someone I loved and after thatI lost this writing thing. But it came back to me now and I started writing this and maybe anonymous middle-aged wives in America or Tunisia, etc will read it. It felt right but also like I should keep this feeling only to myself.
I must be in love, I feel fucked. It’s me today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and a month later and a year later. Then god only knows the ending of it and who I’ll become,