I expressed my main point: “The past just happened and there’s nothing we can do about it or there are actually things but it’s too much work!”

February 11, 2019
Brooklyn, New York

When I went to bed last night (this morning), in between being asleep and awake I dreamt of myself, my little brother and some other little black boy in a field somewhere near a playground. The playground was black too. In the dream the black boy was dancing and Jeffrey (my younger brother) yelled aloud, dancing himself, “Go ahead Roger! Rock it!!”

I couldn’t stop laughing, both in the dream and in bed. I laughed for three reasons. One: It was a ridiculous thing for him to have said. Two: He would’ve never have said such a thing, and mean it as wholeheartedly as he did in the dream. Three: The picture of me in bed alone laughing to myself. I thought about my roommate overhearing me and I laughed even more.

When I went to sleep for real, I had another dream, this time about my older brother who called me last week who I never called back. When I woke up in this morning it was underneath a small blanket and two comforters – I imagined myself in the dentist office waiting to get an x-ray. I haven’t called my dentist back either.

In bed I couldn’t decide if I was excited for the day. I’m fearful of the cold floor. I’ve tried to set up a curtain to keep the cold air out, but I felt intimidated by the power drill my parents lent me. I’ve tried to order a carpet from Urban Outfitters but the price feels too high for a room this small. I listened to NPR and then shut it off.  I found thicker socks and turned the radio back on. A governor whose name I couldn’t imagine spelling just announced her run for president. I packed my gym stuff and wore enough layers to not worry about feeling cold and also my running sneakers so I wouldn’t have to pack those too. I left my apartment and walked down to the train.

Yesterday, I found out a friend lives nearby and often sees me on the train to work. I thought about that today and decided it would be best to try and avoid him–I wasn’t that confident about my outfit. I was such in a rush to get to work that I hopped out of my train and into an express that had happened to slow down. But the express stayed slow; I was nineteen minutes late. I had a cup of tea instead of coffee for breakfast. There’s a pack of Earl Grey that my old boss found in her desk while she was moving out. I decided to buy a box for myself either next paycheck or when these free ones run out.

Later in the day we had a meeting where we talked about what to do about the past and how to move forward. I practiced speaking up and expressed my main point: “The past just happened and there’s nothing we can do about it or there are actually things but it’s too much work!” The subject of the meeting was digital advertising.

After the meeting I went to the bank to open another bank account for an organization I run. I want to keep the money coming in (that may come in, that might come in) separate. The bank teller said there would be a $14 monthly fee so I told him absolutely not. He looked unaffected. I lied and told him that another bank (my other bank) was offering me an account with no fees and that, “I only came to this bank to understand my options” because I felt like this was something I should’ve done in the first place.

From the bank, I went to Macy’s across the street to pay off my credit card from Christmas. The bill was too high so I told the register I’ll speak to them over the phone to see if they can waive my late fee. Although neither the register or I could confirm whether there was one.

At work I finished listening to a podcast about spiders I started last Friday and tried listening to one about snakes, but got bored. After work I went to the gym and thought about spiders. One of the podcast co-hosts called them “perfectly trained killing robots” and the other one kept saying “Spiders love ______, its like their Frog Leg,” filling in blank with any insect he wanted (butterflies, grasshoppers, small rodents etc.)

On the treadmill I ran longer and faster than I thought I could and remembered something someone said on the podcast: “Spiders only eat their food alive. They inject their prey with a poison that paralyses them while breaking down their muscles so they can suck up all the insides.”

“Like my bank!” I thought. And laughed so hard I had to press pause on the machine. I missed the button and had to place my legs on the grips at each side. I let the treadmill keep rolling beneath and without me.