THE OTHER DAY—mighta been today, I can’t tell anymore—I read this article on the web site of the Washington Post newspaper all about how the McDonald’s McRib is a “toxic boyfriend.”
So I guess they (McDonald’s) are sloppin’ the media hogs with some News about how McRib, which used to be an item available “for a limited time only,” is gonna be terminated, and hey, here at the Mr. Wrong column, we understand the idea of Content Crutches! We’re not about to deny anyone or especially ourselves some mechanical advantage to help us poop out a Column! Here we go! Oink!
Nobody likes the Idea of McRib more than I do. I am so profoundly amused by McRib that I even tried to make a Twitter employing an image of the McRib with helpful quotes attributed to The Buddha.
I got bored with it though, and I second-guessed myself that if The Buddha was going to have a Twitter account, it’d probably only be one tweet or something deeply The Buddha, you know?
Anyway, I eat McDonald’s, but I never ate a McRib, and I do not give a flying fuck about McRib as a food item, only as a phenomenon encapsulating the hamster-wheel cycle of Ourobouros-irony in the world of Advertising. McRib! It’s a buncha ground-up pork shards and they make a white part in the middle to look like a bone, like it’s a rib, fine, I’m not judging, I eat the tacos at Jack in the Box. Plus, I ate the tacos at Burger King!
I’m just not into McRib. I would try a McRib if it was made out of Impossible, though, like, if they went all the way with the ersatzness of it all? They could have a McPig character talk about how great it is, like the moronic cows that want you to eat the Chick-Fil-A sandwiches so that they will not be slaughtered to become hamburgers. Maybe this is the McPlan, eh? “Let’s slaughter the McRib itself and then be Health Heroes and peddle one that tastes exactly like it but it’s Impossible, and maybe we can get a couple bucks more per each!”
I’m sorry, I don’t want to keep going on about McRib, I mean, I’m not gonna retract the 350 words I just typed that were made out of McRib, but mostly I just wanted to complain about what this whole McRib Event reminded me of, to wit, the Choco Taco, which was a previous garbage food item to make the rounds with News of discontinuation.
I figured I’d wait awhile for the cocoa dust to settle and see what the deal is with Choco Taco. Klondike Bar owns the Choco Taco, and they make mostly those square Klondike Bars with zillions of permutations, and they have a lotta Cones, with the same Business Model, pretty much the same conical-cone form factor but they just switch up the colors and flavors.
They have the Nuts For Vanilla cone, which seems like a reasonable substitute for the Choco Taco, with the ice cream, and cone material and nuts and stuff. There’s also Unicorn Dreamin’ flavor, in case you ever wondered what a Unicorn Dreamin’ tastes like:
A duo of strawberry and bubblegum flavor, a strawberry sauce core, and a green chocolate-coated wafer cone.
These might not yet be available in Your Grocer’s Freezer, though!
Wondering what you need to do for a Klondike Cone?
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Craving a classic ice cream cone? Klondike’s new frozen treat offers a perfect combination of rich vanilla flavor, crispy cone, crunchy toppings, and indulgent gooey sauce from top to tip. Inspired by your favorite vanilla soft serve ice cream cone and its swirly fluted top, this nutty and creamy vanilla dessert is sure to satisfy even the most intense cone cravings. Just like your favorite summer treat, Klondike Nuts for Vanilla Cone is a crispy wafer cone filled with creamy vanilla frozen dessert, featuring a crunchy chocolatey topping, roasted peanuts, a chocolatey sauce core and a chocolatey tip. It’s crunchy, it’s creamy and it’s completely irresistible
Choco Taco still has a spot on the Klondike web site, and there are all these comments on the Choco Taco page about “how could you,” etc., and the Official Klondike Consumer Services reply is:
We hope you’ll try our other delicious frozen treats, including Klondike Cones, Sandwiches, and of course, our signature Bars that are available nationwide. Our team has heard loud and clear the outpouring of support for Choco Taco, and is working hard to figure out what we can do.
So I think somebody at Klondike HQ has this Cone program rolling out, and I’m gonna theorize that they (Klondike) figured why not choke off the minor product that has Name Recognition and stuff, to get some Controversy, blame it on the Supply Chain or whatever, and then go hard with a variant on the What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar advertising slogo-query, and slap CONE on there. There’s a modern version of this commercial where a guy shaves off half his moustache, but I like the old one because it ties in with my previous mentioning of the Chicken Fillet company, though, to make it look like I am weaving a wonderful tapestry of Ideas and Themes, huh?
Mostly though, with this whole Choco Taco maneuver, if you are damaged by this cruel twist of commerce and bemoaning the interruption of Choco Taco, when was the last time you had one? Maybe this is simply the fault of the American Consumer?
ABOUT THIS FLAVOR
Is there a century-old figure with more tricks up its sleeve? Or better yet, one so gracefully tucked into its cone? Ahh, yes. A smooth chocolatey coating, roasted peanuts and creamy vanilla sit atop a crispy sugar cone. Caught in your lust, you almost forgot that a surprise nugget awaits.
Personally, I swear the last time I had Choco Taco was at a Taco Bell, because for a long time all they had for dessert there was churros, no ice cream, but that could be a false memory or simple taco confusion.
Meanwhile, Ingredients! I thought that maybe the form of CONE is cheaper to produce than TACO, so I tried to compare the Ingredients, but I dunno. Maybe the cones just weigh less, or are full of cheaper crap.
DRUMSTICK INGREDIENTS: Dairy Product Solids, Sugar, Skim Milk, Peanuts, Corn Syrup, Bleached Wheat Flour, Coconut Oil, Cream, Maltodextrin, Palm Oil, Cocoa, Palm Olein, Reduced Minerals Whey, Propylene Glycol Monostearate, Soybean Oil, Soy Lecithin, Cellulose Gel, Guar Gum, Monoglycerides, Carob Bean Gum, Salt, Natural Flavor, Cellulose Gum, Milk, Chocolate, Annatto Color.
CHOCO TACO INGREDIENTS: Nonfat Milk, Sugar, Bleached Wheat Flour, Fractionated Palm Kernel Oil, Coconut Oil, Corn Syrup, Dry Roasted Peanuts, Cream, Corn Syrup Solids, Whey, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Cocoa Powder, Molasses, Less than 1% of the following: Chocolate Processed with Alkali, Milk, Salt, Palm Oil, Soy Lecithin, Cocoa, Natural and Vanillin (Artificial Flavor), Soybean Oil, Mono and Diglycerides, Caramel Color, Modified Tapioca Starch, Cocoa Powder Processed with Alkali, Locust Bean Gum, Guar Gum, Lactic Acid, Corn Oil, Vitamin A Palmitate, Carrageenan
NUTS FOR VANILLA INGREDIENTS: Nonfat Milk, Sugar, Wheat Flour, Glucose Syrup, Water, Coconut Oil, Peanuts, Palm Kernel Oil, Cream, Cocoa (Processed With Alkali), Palm Oil, Less Than 2% Of: Whey, Corn Syrup Solids, Modified Potato Starch, Cocoa, Mono And Diglycerides, Sea Salt, Caramel Color, Soy Lecithin, Locust Bean Gum, Guar Gum, Natural And Artificial Flavors, Pectin, Ammonium Phosphatides, Carrageenan. May Contain Tree Nuts
Find the product differences between the Choco Taco and the cone! Maybe the Choco Taco is made out of Bad Things?
NUTS FOR VANILLA has:
Palm Kernel Oil
Cocoa (Processed With Alkali)
Corn Syrup Solids – Maybe this is better for you than High Fructose Corn Syrup that everybody is mad at, including me, because they use it for Coca-Cola instead of sugar?
Modified Potato Starch
Sea Salt – This is way better than SALT, right?
Natural And Artificial Flavors
Ammonium Phosphatides – This looks bad! Chemical name!
May Contain Tree Nuts – So like, pine cones and stuff? It has PEANUTS already, which I know is a Ground Legume!
CHOCO TACO has:
Bleached Wheat Flour – That’s way crappier than plain Wheat Flour, right?
Fractionated Palm Kernel Oil – This looks like the worst Ingredient, eh? Palm Oil is difficult because of the Environment and stuff, and then you go and put a word that looks like FRACKING?
Dry Roasted Peanuts – Seems more expensive than regular peanuts, yes?
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Chocolate Processed with Alkali
Natural and Vanillin (Artificial Flavor) – I don’t understand why it says “Natural and Vanillin.”
Modified Tapioca Starch – So it’s Tapioca instead of the NUTS FOR VANILLA cone’s Potato, OK!
Cocoa Powder Processed with Alkali
Vitamin A Palmitate
Wow, OK, I’m full! Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear.
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