IT IS NOW officially the Holiday Season, so I have a good Theme topic for this week’s Mr. Wrong column, namely, Overindulgence!
I am really good at Overindulgence. I am not proud of this, but one time I ate an entire box of Hostess Twinkies, for example. I looked on the Walmart website and a box of Twinkies had the following information:
Hostess Twinkies | 13.58 Ounce Box | 10 Count | Pack of 2 (20 Total Twinkies)
I got a little ill after I ate that whole box of Hostess Twinkies, I’m not gonna lie. That is almost a pound of Hostess Twinkies, what the hell was I thinking besides “Ohh, these Hostess Twinkies are pretty goddamn good?” However, I never did it again. Also-however, if you put a halfway-decent pepperoni pizza in front of me right now, I would eat one more slice than I should. Okay, I would eat two more slices, after the one more. And then maybe a half of one more slice so there’d be some left for later.
Anyway, now is the time for overeating and overdrinking and then maybe a snack after! Thanksgiving is gonna be pretty soon and I will definitely eat too many mashed potatoes and gravy, and I will definitely have two-too many pieces of pie, and meanwhile I will also try and be an Adult and have a glass of wine with my meal and that will definitely burn a hole in my stomach, which can only be repaired at that point with: More sweet, sweet pie.
You also gotta be careful not to eat really late in the evening or you could get the Dyspepsia, where the acid in your stomach starts to go wild, because it’s not good to try and sleep while your stomach is still working, you know? The entire body needs to function as a team!
We have established that I love to eat and drink and eat (and drink), and so every once in awhile I screw up and get a gut ache. I used to think the best thing to do was to eat a handful of those chalky old-school over-the-counter TUMS tablets to make the acid less reflux-y or something, but now I use this also old-school over-the-counter stuff called Alka-Seltzer, which has, according to the package, 2 EFFERVESCENT TABLETS, how cool is that, to have your medicine EFFERVESCE? Alka-Seltzert also has: Active Ingredients!
Anhydrous citric acid 1000 mg
Aspirin 325 mg (NSAID)*
Sodium bicarbonate (heat treated) 1916 mg
*nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug
That’s pretty simple stuff, yes? Furthermore here’s what it’s good for, labelwise:
Uses for the relief of • heartburn, acid indigestion, and sour stomach when accompanied with headache or body aches and pains • upset stomach with headache from overindulgence in food or drink • headache, body aches, and pain alone
See that? It says OVERINDULGENCE in the instructions or whatever! It’s a Miracle Product for me!
If I think I might be getting a bellyache, I drop a coupla these (you get two in a pack, like Hostess Twinkies) into a nice glass of cold water and glug it down real fast (because it tastes mostly like aspirin mixed with baking soda), and I swear it just kinda takes over your whole stomach zone and make it better really fast, it’s a wonder of Medical Science!
Of course even a single Alka-Seltzer is DRUGS so there are Warnings about stuff like “severe stomach bleeding,” so you should of course READ ALL WARNING AND DIRECTIONS BEFORE USE.
Stomach bleeding warning: This product contains an NSAID, which may cause severe stomach bleeding. The chance is higher if you • are age 60 or older • have had stomach ulcers or bleeding problems • take a blood thinning (anticoagulant) or steroid drug
I know, I don’t like to see Bleeding so much in the Warnings, eesh. Personally I have never had any ill effects from the Alka-Seltzer, which is why I am so enthusiastic about it! I’m telling you, sometimes I use this Alka-Seltzer stuff to help me sleep, I’m not kidding. Not all the time or anything, just maybe times when I haven’t had anything to drink, just kidding, c’mon, usually when I need to sleep I hit the NyQuil like everybody else. Also kidding! I never have trouble sleeping unless I watch an episode of that Ray Donovan series on Showtime, wow, that show makes me very nervous, that idiot Ray is a big tough guy who spends all day drinking whiskey and he keeps getting himself into these impossible jams that can only be solved with murder and blackmail and violence and stuff! It’s like a situation comedy, but with violence every five minutes! Ray Donovan never learns! I mean, maybe he does, I haven’t watched whole show yet, but so far he’s a fucking moron. It gets me all keyed-up, I get so disappointed in Ray that I can’t sleep, so I have a coupla shots of whiskey. Again, kidding, jeez, alcohol fractures your sleep, don’t drink that stuff to go to sleep, have some Sleepytime Tea, it really works!
Speaking of Alcohol, there are all these Alcoholic Seltzer drinks right now, like White Claw hard seltzer and Spindrift spiked seltzer and Flying Embers hard seltzer and Hornitos hard seltzer and Wild Basin hard seltzer and Two Robbers craft hard seltzer and Three Birds hard seltzer and Vizzy hard seltzer and Truly hard seltzer and Press Premium hard seltzer and Original New York Seltzer hard seltzer and Volley tequila seltzer and Maui hard seltzer and Lunar hard seltzer and High Noon hard seltzer and Topo Chico hard seltzer and NÜTRL vodka seltzer and Buenavida hard seltzer and Arctic Chill hard seltzer and Barefoot hard seltzer and Hard Rock hard seltzer and Corona hard seltzer and Smirnoff seltzer and Michelob Ultra organic seltzer and Bud Light seltzer and Natural Light seltzer (to name a few), so howabout Alka-Seltzer hard seltzer? Unless it makes your stomach bleed, of course, hic! Urp.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear.
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