I DON’T KNOW about you, because you never write me, but I’m not complaining, I have the Holiday Spirit, and I am asshole-deep in the Holiday Season, feasting, enjoying good cheer, a coupla cocktails, a fuckload of cookies, and some wonderful Nog with an egg on it. Ho ho Holidays!
Ho ho however! I have been getting these well-groomed intrusive Santas shoved in my grille. I can’t sit in front of my streaming device for five minutes before I see some extra-medium Santa hawkin’ products in cool and non-jolly ways! Santa is not cool! Santa is not svelte! These are not the Santas I requested! They’re not even Bad Santas, they’re just bad!
Look at these tools! One of them is from the Mad Men TV program, a cynical and soulless individual, the character on the show, and I’m sorry, but the actor who sold that character to me, and sold it to America, can’t fucking be my Santa Claus! Especially for World Cup, no offense, but we got some monster Cognitive Dissonance going on with the bodycount in the runup to that mess, urgh!
Anyway, I got no beef with the commercialization of Santa, there’s always been all kindsa Commercialization of Santa, like this goofy ad for electric razors:
Santa is just cruising along on the blades, as opposed to being a blade, like this slimy Rakuten Santa, what a dipshit, with his slim-fit vest that fits slim, c’mon what the hell even is a Rakuten? I don’t know and I refuse to learn!
You know what this crap is, these bland, fit Santas out there? Have you been paying attention to the Internet? This is the Artificial Intellect! It’s taking over! Everything will be AI-generated! Average! Dull!
Somebody somewhere ran SANTA through an Artificial Intellect and the response was a boring average smarmy Santa who is good at business and stuff, and that’s bullshit! Santa is terrible at business! Santa gives! Charity!
Santa is supposed to generate Good Will, not fucking Fear of FOMO or whatever the fuck it is when you are getting manipulated into being in your feelings about when you think you are missing out on some bullcrap stuff that you have been tricked into thinking is good! Santa Claus is supposed to be kind of a slob, not some fucko slapping on cologne getting ready to hit the club, a smoothie, definitely worried about the waistline. Non-Santa! I want Round Jolly Santa! Ho ho!
Santa has to be a coupla things. Number one Santa aspect: Jolly. That’s it! Ho Ho fucking ho! Jolly! Not some laid-back smirking slickee-santa angling for their next tech-stock takedown and doing a goddamn motherfucking walk-talk with their staff! No! Santa is overworked and zero-paid! Santa is a saint! Giving away the gift of giving, none of that “naughty or nice crap,” forgiving and radiating joy, a jolly motherfucker! Ho!
Number two aspect! Giving! Santa bloody well does not sit behind a desk trimming beard-hairs! They are stacking the sled with merch and clearing their sinuses with lines of powdered sugar to prepare for the worldwide distribution run! Don’t look close but there might be more than a sled skidmark in Santa’s suit, they are in a hurry and it’s a diet of 100 percent cookies, for energy.
You know who would be a good Santa? The popular Crystal Flautist Lizzo should totally have a Santa Claus property going, c’mon,nothing but joy radiating, not worried about anything except positivity, seriously, where is the Lizzo Claus movie?
Meanwhile, have you seen one of these violent Santa Claus movies? I don’t know, I certainly enjoy ass-kicking movies where people kick ass, and it’s supposed to be a free country and all, but jeez, we’re just gonna take every goddamn thing and make it like every other thing?!?!
Is next year gonna be John WiXmas where people get pistol-bullet-punched in their gun-holes? If that’s a good idea, howabout “Mrs. God,” aka Mary, mother of Mister God, a trippy paradox, which has a lot of that unsettling Games of Throne aspect to it, if you think about it, and you shouldn’t, because it’s The Holidays, but, like, Mrs. God, maybe goes back in time to kill Baby Hitler, or at least get better accommodations for that time her husband booked that crappy Airbnb with the donkey and the camel or something? Did anybody make a movie where Mary is the mother of Santa Claus? I have a headache.
Look, there are lots of Gods out there, and Mister Jesus, who, as a Baby God, is also tied into this Holiday Season of being nice and good and with the cheer and stuff, is not bad, as far as Gods go. Try not to think about how it ends up for Baby J, OK, and just think for a sec about the nice part? Relax, and be—not cool, but just nice, for five minutes? Be Santa! Give somebody some money or something? Buy some food for some people? I dunno, I’m trying, but when I see some Santa out there walking around wearing a slim-fit blazer it makes me non-jolly, I’m sorry. Egg Nog helps. And cookies. Happy ho ho!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. Write Wrong: email@example.com
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