HAPPY NEW YEAR! I never get tired of saying that shit! I’m the goofball who says Happy New Year! to strangers out on the street for the first coupla days of the New Year, and, like, if I haven’t seen somebody I’m not strangers with since before New Years I greet them with Happy New Year! Even if it’s like, April or whatever, I have a good time, you know?
You should relax and have a Happy New Year, and if you made any annoying resolutions, that’s OK, don’t beat yourself up, you have all Year to have a Year, let’s go! In case the Happy part is too much pressure, then go New Year! Yes!
I like the part on the Internet where people are always mad at Last Year, whoo, yeah, blame it all on Last Year, which traditionally is a cartoon of an old geezer who is completely spent and ready to turn into dust in the presence of a shiny new Baby New Year, who don’t know nothin’ about anything! Good luck Baby New Year! Errbody will be shit-talking you soon enough so have a good time before they come for you. Happy New Year!
A really good part of a New Year is The Holidays are generally behind us, and you can do whatever you want without wondering if there’s a Holiday this week. MLK Day is Jan. 19, and that has, in my Opinion, become a true American Holiday in that while Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday is celebrated Jan. 15, the day is “Observed” as a “Monday Holiday,” which is a great way to get a “Three-Day Weekend.”
Presidents Day, in February, used to be like, two days, Lincoln’s Birthday and Washington’s Birthday until they got combinated into one Monday Holiday, and it used to distress some folks who bemoaned the day being an opportunity to sell tires and appliances and furniture and mattresses and automobiles. MLK Day is pretty much moving in the same direction, Official Holiday-wise. Check out what I googled to at blackfriday.com, where Irony Abounds:
Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday dedicated to celebrating the life and legacy of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., falls on Jan. 16 this year. Not only is it the first three-day weekend of the year, but it’s also a big weekend for shopping. The MLK Day weekend sales might not be as big as Black Friday, but you can still find plenty of bargains.
What to buy during MLK Day weekend sales
During the MLK Day weekend sales, you should focus on finding deals on clothing, home goods and beauty products.
The middle of January is the best time to shop for winter clothing. This is when retailers start clearing out coats and sweaters to make room for spring apparel.
Retailers tend to offer bedding and bath discounts in January. In the past, these were called “White Sales,” but now they’re typically called home sales, bedding sales and bath sales.
This year, MLK Day weekend intersects with the Ulta Love Your Skin sale and the Bath & Body Works Semi-Annual Sale, making it a good time to snag fragrance and beauty items.
You can also find some tech and TV deals, but these items see better discounts right before the Super Bowl and around Memorial Day and Independence Day. Additionally, if you’re shopping for appliances, wait a month to find the best deals. Presidents’ Day tends to offer better deals on fridges, stoves, washers and dryers.
After January it’s smooth sailing for me, Holiday-wise, until February’s Groundhog Day, which I observe by being mad at Bill de Blasio, and Super Bowl, my holiest of holies, even though I don’t really give a crap who wins. I want to win! Wagering!
This is a bad time for the sport of NFL because of the poor player who got hurt so bad the other day. I don’t know if this is true, but—I have a column to fill—I heard when they woke up in the hospital they asked if they won the game, and like, I dig it, they were thinking “What the fuck am I doing this for, waking up in a fuckin’ hospital, if not to win the game?” I think I woulda said “Whoo! Yeah! We did it! Winner!” and then told ‘em later, I dunno, I hope everything turns out OK. Meanwhile, players are still getting their bells rung every week and are gonna end up running for Senate and shit in their declining years. The NFL, that’s some real Rollerball shit, urgh! Get some Resolutions going, NFL, jeez. I still say they should make the helmets and pads and stuff really soft, and then they wouldn’t bang into each other so hard, you know? We got ‘em wearing armor out there, so they think they’re fucking Iron Man and they go and smash into each other and their poor brains get traumatized. Let’s try something different, NFL.
This was my first Column of the New Year, and I would like to reaffirm my Thesis Statement, which is Happy New Year, and please to enjoy yourself and be healthy, somehow, and maybe we should all just have a day where we think about stuff and figure out a way to do better, eh? I mean, I’m never gonna come up with anything, but there’s gotta be somebody out there who can help! Happy New Year!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
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