Jack Pendarvis Talks to Himself

#25

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Don’t Forget, This Part Is From the Time He Had Eye Surgery

Contains Spoilers for the Golden Girls Finale

Last night I was watching The Golden Girls. Whether or not that’s the best use of my eyesight is really none of your business. And I was, duh… it washed over me all of a sudden: I d—I can see this! I’m seeing it with both eyes.

So I am not ungrateful.

Rose was in a… was asleep after surgery, and dreaming that… her head had been removed [laughter], along with Dorothy’s head and Blanche’s head, and they were all sitting in platters of ice on their well known kitchen table, where so often they have shared a… sympathetic cheesecake in times of… personal… strife.

[Throat noise.]

And then later Dorothy got married and it was the la—and the show was over, there were no more Golden Girls, I saw the last Golden… Girl… episode. Golden Girls episode.

I didn’t plan to.

And I thought, “Oh, the status quo will be restored at any moment!”

So I smugly mused.

But I could see it! So. Bear that in mind.

But I haven’t been able to wash my hair…

This is… I had my surgery on Friday. This is Monday. I haven’t been allowed to wash my face or hair. The… left side of my face—my left eye was the one with the problems—is sticky with the residue of… tape. I’ve had… various things [stifled laugh] taped to my face over the past couple of days.

Uh…

And I haven’t been able to wash away…

I’ve used these little… you can’t get near the eye with anything! And…

So I called… the nurse’s station up at the… or I called the surgery center and I said, “I had surgery on Friday. I have a couple of questions to a—for a nurse.”

“Do you see Dr. Bingo here? Or did you just come here for the surgery?”

“Well, I came up there for the surgery, but I see Dr. Bingo when he comes through town once a month. I’ve seen him a couple of times.”

“Yes, but do you see him here? Do you see him?”

[Deep breath.]

“Well, I saw him when he operated on my eye on Friday.”

“Well, you can’t talk to our nurses unless you see Dr. Bingo.”

“Well, I… he operated on me.”

“Well, okay,” she said reluctantly. “I’ll put you through to the nurses’ station.”

What a… rigmarole just to get through to the nurses’ station. In fact, I’ve… I’ve abbreviated it. Some strange technicality, very much in the spirit of Joseph Heller’s Catch-22.

Uh…

And… then I asked the nurse…

“I have a meeting later today… uh, I just want to make sure. I, I wasn’t clear on when I could start… showering or washing my face in a normal way, or wash my hair.”

You can’t wash your hair because the water will inevitably drip into your eyes.

And she said, “You can do whatever you want. Just don’t get water in your eye.”

And I thought, how do you take a shower without getting water in your eye?

And then I said, “Is it strange that my pupil is still dilated?”

And she said, “Everybody’s different!”

[Pause.]

I said, “So that means… it is normal that my pupil is still dilated?”

And she said again, “Everybody’s different!”

What is she, the Oracle of Delphi?

---

Well, I got a big old floater. It’s black. And persistent. And it has a little buddy that orbits it like a planet. So… where did… maybe… what… am I a freak? I knew the guy didn’t get all of ‘em. Mmmp! And, you know, I know he said it’s better than havin’ a million. No kidding! But wasn’t his job… I don’t mean to complain. Look, last night I didn’t see ‘em at all, and I was havin’ a great time. Was that it? I get one hour of The Golden Girls? [Laughter.] Unimpaired? And now they come back?

“It’s better than a million.”

Thanks, Doc.

[Pause.]

“Hey, waiter.”

There are a lot of jokes that start that way. And really on the same premise.

“Hey, waiter, uh…”

[Laughter.]

God! I hate myself.

Maybe the pain pills do affect my… uh…

[Birds.]

I don’t know. It’s very hard to tell, isn’t it?

I had a message, an email from my friend Carlotta, and she was talking about… Anne Heche, with whom I worked once in my capacity as an… actor. Uh… as a voice actor. I played Anne Heche’s husband.

And, uhm…

Carlotta said she was listening to an interview with Anne Heche where… I believe the way Carlotta put it was that Anne Heche started eight thousand sentences and didn’t finish any of them…?

[Breathing.]

And once again, I, I know how that is. I think maybe we’re more disciplined in certain situations. You have to be to get your point across. But given free rein…

[Throat clearing.]

Okay. “Waiter… waiter! There’s a…” And this is kind of—I’m goin’ with an opposite thing of the eye spots. Think about it. “Waiter! Look at this.” [Laughter.]

God!

“Waiter, look.”

Uh…

“Yes sir, what’s the problem? You ordered a T-bone steak.”

Uh…

“Yeah, but there’s like six bites taken out of it already.”

“So somebody nibbled on it! That doesn’t make it not a T-bone steak.”

Okay. So when Anne Heche gets on a podcast, or wherever Carlotta heard this interview, and speaks eight thousand sentences, or begins eight thousand sentences and doesn’t finish them… uh…

[Pause.]

That’s the raw material!

And most people… try to… we try to process our raw material before it’s fit for… consumption.

I guess the internet has, to some extent, done away with the idea of editing.

Mrrrrrnnnh.

Anyway, th—these fuc—aw. I almost said a… I almost said a… a…

Man, these little things are back!

There’s just one or two, but…

That’s a disappointment, right?

I’m not crazy.

This way, please, to the next chapter.

Jack Pendarvis has written five books. He won two Emmys for his work on the TV show Adventure Time. During a period of light employment, he spoke into a digital recorder whenever the mood struck him and transcribed the results, accumulating the two thousand pages from which this column has been extracted.