December 5, 2018
San Diego, California
My partner grumbled that of course I had to wake up early to work the one day he is unexpectedly off midweek. His office was closed to mourn the death of George H.W. Bush a few days before—on World AIDS Day.
I finished my work and lay back down for a minute, scanning my body. How did I feel? Not super hopeless or notably bad, but not great, either. I’d been struggling with hormonal changes, and recent diagnoses of PMDD and Vitamin D deficiency had left me feeling out of control.
By 8:00, I’d managed to coax him out of bed and on a short walk to start the day. We live right by the park, and there’s a beautiful cactus garden I wanted to walk through. I needed to feel the sun on my face, to see living things around me, to remind myself that I will be okay.
As we walked, he waxed on about politics and the latest This American Life episode about Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh and how frustrating and scary things are right now. I nodded, although at points I was barely listening.
We talked about how we’ve been fighting too much lately and the neighbors have likely heard, and that’s probably why they never thanked us for the gift we brought them from our recent trip to Mexico City. I started to wonder if my health issues were the root cause of most of our problems.
We made it to the cactus garden, and he took a few pictures as I angled my face toward the sun. We held hands on our way home. I canceled a work call due to fatigue but pushed myself to work on other things through the afternoon.
My best friend asked if I could talk and I told her today was not a great day. Maybe tomorrow.
While I worked in the kitchen, my partner watched TV and relaxed in the bedroom. Mid-day, he sent me an e-mail with a video attachment and the message, “I love you.” I opened the video. It was about love and relationships, and how the consistency of the small actions adds up over time to mean so much. He walked into the kitchen as I was watching it and asked, “Do you like it?”
“It’s sad,” I said.
But it wasn’t sad. It’s just that feeling anything lately makes me feel sad. I cried a little and tried to feel grateful instead of overwhelmed.
He left the house to go rock climbing and I did a short cardio dance class online, fulfilling my exercise requirements for the day. The sleekly outfitted, coiffed women instructed me to “channel my inner Beyoncé!”
I watched coding tutorials to prepare for my intro programming class that evening. I had to leave the last class early because I was feeling dizzy. I’m worried I’ll have to drop out.
I made dinner, snacks, and a smoothie to take with me and headed to class. But on the way there, I made a wrong turn. And then another. I started feeling super dizzy. I considered turning around completely, but told myself to just try. I showed up to class, felt completely outside of my body for almost six minutes, and then drove home in a haze.
I went to the store to pick up a higher dose of Vitamin D, took it in the parking lot, came home, and made myself breathe through a yoga video. I told myself out loud, “I love you and I’m going to take care of you,” and I started to cry.
The yoga video ended. I took some CBD oil. I felt better. The Apple TV automatically started playing another yoga video, and I started to follow along with it as my partner walked through the door. He was surprised to see me at home. “I would’ve come home if I knew you didn’t go to class,” he said.
“I’m okay,” I said quietly.
We ate dinner together and talked about life and my hormones and his job. He was gentle. I felt lucky and hopeful. Afterward, we lay on the couch together. He was warm, and I was cold. He put his socks on my feet, and we watched The Good Place until we both fell asleep.
Popula is 100% ad-free, reader-supported journalism accountable only to you. Every dollar of your subscription goes straight to our work. Thank you for supporting Popula.
Hmm, looks like you don’t have MetaMask activated!
If you know what MetaMask is and have it installed, activate MetaMask and refresh:
If that doesn't make sense to you, click here:
The MetaMask window should have popped up and asked if you want Popula to have access to your MetaMask. Click the blue CONFIRM button.
Don’t see the MetaMask window? Click here to request it again:
Your MetaMask extension is running, but for privacy purposes you have to allow us to connect to your MetaMask wallet.
You need to connect to the Main Net before you can actually tip. Click on your MetaMask icon so the window pops up, then select ‘Main Ethereum Network’ from the dropdown.
How much do you want to tip?
You can adjust either amount to see how much ETH or USD you’ll be sending.
You can adjust the tip amount in the MetaMask popup window before confirming the transaction.
Popula’s authors contribute 5% of their tips to Popula to help with the overhead of running the tipping system.
Author participation in the Popula tipping system is optional; if an author declines to participate in the tipping system, your tip will be refunded to you in full within 60 days.
Your MetaMask window has popped up now, and you need to confirm the transaction.
Hit that blue 'Confirm' button to make it happen!
Did you reject the transaction by accident? Want to adjust your tip amount? Click here:
Maybe you’re not quite comfortable with this yet?
That transaction didn’t go through for some reason.
Try clicking on the MetaMask button in your browser bar (looks like this: ) and see if you have any transactions listed at the bottom of the popup. If you don’t see the tip you just tried to leave, then try again:
Or just want to ask us about it? We’ look into it personally for you.
Thank you so much for your tip, and for your direct support of journalism. The author will appreciate it a lot, and so do all of us at Popula.
Want a receipt? Enter your email address and click ‘Send Receipt’ and we’ll send you a transaction receipt.
You can see your transaction logged in MetaMask. Just click the MetaMask button in your browser bar—this one: —and your transaction will be listed at the bottom of the popup.
You can also track the transaction on the Etherscan website. It usually takes under a minute for the transaction to process, and you’ll get a notification from MetaMask when it’s done.Track on Etherscan
If you have any questions at all, please let us know!
All set?Home to Popula, please!
We know this cryptocurrency stuff is new and weird. We’re here to help you understand. Ask us firstname.lastname@example.org
ETH is Ether, a popular cryptocurrency generated on the Ethereum blockchain.
You’ll need some Ethereum cryptocurrency (ETH) in a MetaMask wallet in order to tip an author. Currently it’s not possible to tip in other cryptocurrencies, or in dollars or other fiat currencies.
For a comprehensive FAQ to help get you started, please visit our help page, “How to Tip Your Favorite Authors with Cryptocurrency on Popula!”
If you have any questions at all, please let us know!