Patsy Kensit at the BAFTAsDamien Everett, Flickr

Happy Birthday, Patsy Kensit

If it were up to me it would just be you on the cover of Hello, always, in your tutu and Hunter wellies, doing fine.

Mar 4, 2019 1:00PM EST

Rosa Lyster @rosalyster

Rosa Lyster is a writer who lives in Cape Town.

Your Wikipedia entry reads like if Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels-era Guy Richie decided to write a poem.
What a weird time in the culture that was. (1998-2002ish, I mean.)
Everyone was sort of fetishising like “eel pie” and “Albion” and the idea of “scoundrels.”
People kidding each other that it was cool to wear a hat with a feather in it and go to dog fights and think fondly of an era when people called each other “guv’nor” and did Cockney rhyming slang.
The logical end point of that whole highly embarrassing business was Brexit, I feel, but that might be too extreme of a view.
You, I bet, think very fondly of that time, given that you are in some ways the era’s elder stateswoman.
I am sure people would dispute this obvious truth, but I don’t make the rules, I just point them out.
Just look at your Wikipedia page: “Her mother was a publicist; her father was an associate of the notorious London gangsters the Kray twins.”
The Krays are key to all this, as well you know.
“Her father served time in prison before Kensit was born; she believed he was an antiques dealer.”
Does this not sound like something off a Libertines album from 2001?
“Her paternal grandfather was a robber and counterfeiter.”
It absolutely does.
On and on, so that one is presented with the very model of a Modern English Rascal.
Gratefully putting that aside for one moment, you are also very famous and revered for being married to Liam Gallagher at one point, and for producing the most diabolical South African accent ever captured on film, in Lethal Weapon II.
It’s indescribable, that accent, and not even worth making fun of, because no one ever gets a South African accent right.
Back to Liam G.
I wonder what your relationship is like now? I wonder why I don’t know more about it?
It seems like it should be the kind of thing that is constantly in Hello magazine, but no. Hello magazine is mostly Meghan and Kate, Meghan and Kate, one of several Tamaras, Fergie and her sun damage, Rod Stewart’s wife, someone who used to be on Big Brother wearing a tutu and Hunter wellies, an oligarch’s daughter awkwardly astride an enormous horse, and then Meghan and Kate again.
If it were up to me it would just be you on the cover, always, in your tutu and Hunter wellies, doing fine.
Happy Birthday.