Happy Birthday, Jeremy Renner and Nicolas Cage

1. It doesn’t seem like you are friends, which is perhaps something to reconsider as you both forge ahead into 2019.
2. You are both shaking your heads right now and saying, “As for me, I could never form a meaningful friendship with that man; we are so different it is laughable.”
3. Nicolas Cage, you are thinking: “Renner is too, I guess ‘basic’ is the word?”
4. Jeremy Renner, you are thinking, “Why does he seem like he wishes he was a troubadour, and what happened in his life that he thinks troubadours are cool?”
5. You are both correct, in your own inimitable ways, but this shouldn’t be an obstacle in your path to friendship. You have so much in common! The fact that you are born on the same day is really just the beginning.
6. Both of you have that sincerely bonkers and unpredictable Capricorn energy, which is made even more wild and bewildering by the fact that you do not ever think you are doing anything strange.
7. Nicolas Cage, you appear to have accepted that the public thinks you are a markedly weird man, but I feel that deep down you believe yourself to be an average joe, even in a sort of “legal definition of a reasonable man” way.
8. Renner, part of your brand is being sort of normal, but you have that slightly maniacal glint in your eye that makes me believe you would come to an awards ceremony on a horse or suddenly start believing that milk gives you tuberculosis, stuff like that.
9. Next, many of the basic facts of both of your lives are genuinely startling.
10. Jeremy Renner, you are one of seven children.
11. Your dad ran a bowling alley. This is not startling, exactly, but if I was your friend and I was talking about you to one of my other friends, I would certainly mention it. It’s noteworthy. Are you good at bowling as a result? Does the smell and atmosphere of bowling alleys make you feel happy or sad?
12. Nicolas Cage, there are a lot of odd things about you, many facts which fuel the Nicolas Cage is a Markedly Strange Man industry. You are related to a proliferating number of Coppolas. You once sued Kathleen Turner for falsely insinuating that you stole a dog. You named your child after Superman. You LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to shop. You probably think all this is totally standard.
13. Finally and perhaps most significantly, you are both Polarising figures.
14. Jeremy Renner, a friend of mine once jerked back violently in her chair at the mention of your name, and said that you were this generation’s most fuckable man.
15. There are many people who feel equally violently about you, but in the other direction.
16. Same with you, Nicolas Cage.
17. People struggle to be neutral about either of you.
18. I feel like if either of you moved to a village in a remote part of France, the villagers would either spontaneously arise to celebrate your coming, or collectively decide to expel you immediately on some wooden logs.
19. This is not a criticism of either of you.
20. Happy Birthday.

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