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Happy Birthday, Jeb!

I have been laughing at the thought of Donald Trump calling you Low Energy Jeb for like three and a bit years now, and I do not foresee a future in which I will be able to stop.

Rosa Lyster

Rosa Lyster is a writer who lives in Cape Town.

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  1. I have a friend who works as an investigative journalist, reporting on organized crime.
  2. For very different reasons, the two of you are members of the same relatively small group: people who have probably had cause to formulate proof of life questions at some point. 
  3. She has had to do this because her work often takes her to objectively dangerous parts of the world, places where being a journalist makes you an obvious kidnapping target. 
  4. You have probably had to do this because you are Jeb Bush, a somewhat powerful man of thoroughly unwarranted influence and wealth aka the kind of man who might present an attractive option for kidnappers. 
  5. I am not a member of this group. I don’t have any money or power, I have never lifted the lid off any international crime rings, I don’t do anything dangerous, and I cannot think of a single reason why anyone would want to kidnap me. I would offer very low returns, ransom-wise.  
  6. In spite of or indeed because of the fact that I have no money or power or influence or insight into the underworld, I have spent quite a lot of time thinking about what my proof of life questions would be. 
  7. In the incredibly unlikely event that I was taken hostage and the negotiators were on the phone, how would my family know that it was me answering the questions, and not an impostor? 
  8. What are questions that only I would be able to answer? What are signals that I could give that would indicate to my family that I was indeed alive and basically sound of mind? 
  9. Here’s a few: “Does she burst into helpless wails of laughter at the mention of the phrase ‘Low Energy Jeb?’” 
  10. “Does the phrase ‘Low Energy Jeb’ have her crying with mirth in her cell, despite being in a physically uncomfortable and psychologically taxing position?”
  11. “Despite being hungry and tired and afraid, does the idea of Donald Trump saying the words ‘Low Energy Jeb’ make her punch her little fists in the air with delight?”
  12. If the answer is yes, then it’s me.
  13. If the answer is no, then that’s an impostor, because I have been laughing at the thought of Donald Trump calling you Low Energy Jeb for like three and a bit years now, and I do not foresee a future in which I will be able to stop. 
  14. Why is it so transcendently funny? I don’t mean funny compared to Donald Trump’s other names he has for people, all of which are so fucking stupid and strange. 
  15. I mean funny compared to genuine masterpieces of comedy.
  16. Low Energy Jeb. 
  17. Do you think your family has ever laughed at it quietly when you weren’t around? 
  18. I would. 
  19. Have you ever acknowledged its genius, even to yourself? 
  20. I bet you have.
  21. Happy birthday.
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