- I have a friend who works as an investigative journalist, reporting on organized crime.
- For very different reasons, the two of you are members of the same relatively small group: people who have probably had cause to formulate proof of life questions at some point.
- She has had to do this because her work often takes her to objectively dangerous parts of the world, places where being a journalist makes you an obvious kidnapping target.
- You have probably had to do this because you are Jeb Bush, a somewhat powerful man of thoroughly unwarranted influence and wealth aka the kind of man who might present an attractive option for kidnappers.
- I am not a member of this group. I don’t have any money or power, I have never lifted the lid off any international crime rings, I don’t do anything dangerous, and I cannot think of a single reason why anyone would want to kidnap me. I would offer very low returns, ransom-wise.
- In spite of or indeed because of the fact that I have no money or power or influence or insight into the underworld, I have spent quite a lot of time thinking about what my proof of life questions would be.
- In the incredibly unlikely event that I was taken hostage and the negotiators were on the phone, how would my family know that it was me answering the questions, and not an impostor?
- What are questions that only I would be able to answer? What are signals that I could give that would indicate to my family that I was indeed alive and basically sound of mind?
- Here’s a few: “Does she burst into helpless wails of laughter at the mention of the phrase ‘Low Energy Jeb?’”
- “Does the phrase ‘Low Energy Jeb’ have her crying with mirth in her cell, despite being in a physically uncomfortable and psychologically taxing position?”
- “Despite being hungry and tired and afraid, does the idea of Donald Trump saying the words ‘Low Energy Jeb’ make her punch her little fists in the air with delight?”
- If the answer is yes, then it’s me.
- If the answer is no, then that’s an impostor, because I have been laughing at the thought of Donald Trump calling you Low Energy Jeb for like three and a bit years now, and I do not foresee a future in which I will be able to stop.
- Why is it so transcendently funny? I don’t mean funny compared to Donald Trump’s other names he has for people, all of which are so fucking stupid and strange.
- I mean funny compared to genuine masterpieces of comedy.
- Low Energy Jeb.
- Do you think your family has ever laughed at it quietly when you weren’t around?
- I would.
- Have you ever acknowledged its genius, even to yourself?
- I bet you have.
- Happy birthday.
Happy Birthday, Jeb!
I have been laughing at the thought of Donald Trump calling you Low Energy Jeb for like three and a bit years now, and I do not foresee a future in which I will be able to stop.
Popula is 100% ad-free, reader-supported journalism accountable only to you. Every dollar of your subscription goes straight to our work. Thank you for supporting Popula.
Jack Pendarvis’s Moby-Dick
"And, uh, the meaninglessness of eternity in the wrinkled face of that… biting monster."
Each comment or response costs a tiny ETH fee of 0.0003 (about 5¢ in Ethereum cryptocurrency), payable from your Metamask.io wallet (the wallet is free, and takes just a moment to add to your browser). This system helps protect Popula conversations from trolls, fakers, Cambridges Analytica and other malign influences.
If you haven’t got any ETH yet and you’re a Popula subscriber, please write to hey@popula.com with your subscriber email address and MetaMask wallet address, and we’ll send you a little bit to get started! It’s pretty easy and a lot of fun to use, Yay.
If you’d like to learn more about cryptocurrency, Ethereum, and how Popula is using these new technologies to help protect speech rights and the free press, please visit our FAQ page.
We’re having trouble checking your subscriber status. Try refreshing the page.
Welcome! To leave a comment, you’ll need to log in, and also have your MetaMask wallet ready with some ETH cryptocurrency available.
It’s easy! Just visit metamask.io to install an in-browser MetaMask wallet. If you’re a new subscriber, write to hey@popula.com for $2 in free ETH crypto!
Thank you for being a Popula subscriber! As a subscriber, you may leave comments, but you have to be logged in as commenter here first. This is an additional login—the login for your commenting privileges—and you’ll stay logged in after you log in the first time.
We’ve sent an email to your registered address at … with your commenting details. Please follow the directions in the email to open your commenting privileges and then come back here to leave your first comment!
Thanks for registering! Please log in and you can get started commenting.
You need to connect to the Main Ethereum Network before you can leave a comment. Click on your MetaMask icon so the window pops up, then select ‘Main Ethereum Network’ from the network-chooser dropdown at the top.
You’re logged in and ready to leave comments! All you need is a MetaMask wallet and a little ETH cryptocurrency, just like with our microtipping system.
If you know what MetaMask is and have it installed, activate MetaMask and refresh:
Each comment costs 5¢ in Ethereum cryptocurrency to post! Just write your comment and click the green button. Thank you, Popula subscriber, for joining us in the new world of cryptoeconomics! Please don’t forget to set your wallet address in order to receive tips on your comments.
Alas! commenting is not yet available on your mobile device. Each comment costs a little ETH cryptocurrency to post, and for now that requires a regular computer.
So please go to your laptop, install the MetaMask browser plugin, and hold forth!